Friday Night Story

Vote You Bastards

It’s election day in America.

This election is not about issues, because it’s been years since conservatives ran on the issues, because when they do, they lose. Modern conservatives stopped wanting to maintain the status quo, and instead seek to revoke the societal changes that helped form and shape the last century. Most discouraging has been their campaign against civil rights. They don’t simply seek to maintain current standards, but want to repeal the marginal gender and racial parity we’ve achieved. More terrifying, they have acted in concert to deny the vote to millions of legal voters- and take a stab what color they happen to be. It isn’t about issues anymore- it’s about regression versus progression. A vote for the conservatives this time around isn’t a vote for any particular candidate or for any particular issue. It’s a vote for the continuation of their war on progress, including the progress that says every American, and not simply rich, white landowners, ought to be able to vote and have that vote count.

But Americans are notoriously fickle when it comes to our civil rights. After the debacle of the 2000 election, when the Electoral College denied us our properly elected President, we didn’t dismantle the arcane political mechanism that made it happen. In 2004, when at least one and a half million votes simply disappeared, the American people did not storm the castles of the elected elite with torches and demand they give us back our rights. So I have a plan B.

Hookers die frequently across this great ass country; sometimes it’s the cocaine, sometimes it’s natural, other times it’s an abusive John. Anyway, we collect enough of these dead hookers, let’s say six, and put them in a heap in John McCain’s hotel room. When he opens the door, retiring to soak his aging genitals in gin, Boom! An explosive charge beneath the hooker pile goes off, spattering the room and McCain in hooker parts and ichors. Faster than you can say, “Al Queda made me do it,” the room will be swarming with press and police. No amount of spin can whitewash a dead hooker abattoir. The world will be rid of the mad little bastard forever.

I’ll repeat something said four years ago: "get out and vote, while it’s still legal, and we will wash those crooked warmongers out of the White House." Or we can drop the Hooker Bomb on John McCain. Either will get the job done.

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