Friday Night Story

Fuck the Earth Day

The Earth has always been a testy mistress. Flowers and fornication one minute, earthquakes and fire the next; kinda like the God of the old testament, but without the cajones. But us manfolk always took it to be part of the duality of life, the scalding yin to the honeyed yang of nature. That all changed with the counterfeit apocalypse last year.

There were floods and hurricanes, famines and an airborne form of rabies that made half the beasts of the field murderous. The seas belched fire and brimstone, and the earth quaked. What little rain would fall was acid, and solar radiation burnt the skin off anyone dumb or poor enough to be without protection.

And every eschatological worshipper the world over fell to their knees and wept, and condemned the abortionists, the drug traffickers, the CIA, Elvis, Satan, condoms, ice cream, computers, and hamburgers for the moral decay of mankind. No one likes to talk about it, but there were a lot of lynchings in those days, when we thought stringing up the right kind of fella could save us righteous folk. Then, one day, when the priests were predicting a crimson moon with a slight chance of bloody precipitation and a 56% percent chance of oppression, that day, when a mob was fixing to saw the president and vice president in half from the groin to the widow's peak cause they couldn't be sure which was the real antichrist, that day, it all stopped. The earth had just been fucking with us, after all. Well, we didn't take too kindly to none of that, so we just decided to fuck old mother earth right back.

America took out all 571 million barrels of oil from her Strategic Petrolium Reserve, rented a fleet of tankers and dumped it all square in the center of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. The Audubon Society injected all its injured animals with Drano, and bird sanctuaries across America invited school children to visit and hand out rice and Alka Seltzer tablets to their fowl. America removed their spent nuclear fuel from Hanford Nuclear Reservation and air-dropped them into the ocean, and all NATO countries agreed to dump a third of their biological and chemical weapons stockpiles on the rain forests. State governors passed a law requiring Americans to dump all household cleaning products down the drain, and empty the oil from their cars into the streets. Congress mandated the dynamiting of the Grand Canyon and Niagra Falls, and the pre-emptive hydrogen bombing of the supergeyser in Yellowstone.

After a week, we decided we'd done enough. But every year, on April 25th, so she don't get too cocky, mankind bands together to show the planet just who the man is round here. Amen.

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