Friday Night Story


My nephew is a clever young man. He didn't even put up a fight when I suggested he come to church next Sunday to meet a pretty young woman. But I know him better than I let on. The first thing he'll do when he gets home is plug her name into MySpace, OKCupid, If the eHarmony server isn't being watched today he may try to hack it. If all that fails, he'll just Google her and see if he gets lucky.

He wont't. I've seen to it that a Google search of her name brings up a site of "bears" playing "bear games." I won't tell you what that means, except that it's ugly. She's never been on, I've tipped off the eHarmony security team to the vulnerability in their server, and Yahoo! closed her account by request when a man obsessed with feet became obsessed with her. She only opened an OKCupid account because she felt bad after the fall of Sparkmatch, but she hasn't logged on in years. I pasted into it the Wikipedia article on Wombats. With a picture.

But my nephew is also stubborn, and by this point, he'll know what I've done. So he'll try and be sneaky. He'll get her address from a phone book, and try to tap the security cameras that point at her apartment complex. I paid a kindhearted vandal $50 to cut the camera cords on her block. Then he'll run her credit history; it might point to weak spots or third parties that might have more information about her. I've alerted the credit reporting agencies to several attempts to obtain credit histories about her by fraudelent individuals, and so they'll deny anyone who doesn't have more information. Finally, he'll try the lost friend sites like I've planted 67 graduates in the appropriate age range within a ten mile radius. The profiles are blatant forgeries, but it will take a week or two for them to all be deleted.

By now he'll be desperate, and maybe try to be tricky. I changed the GPS chip out of her phone. Her checks are direct-deposited, and I've rerouted them first through a Swiss and Cayman account that, because of their banking policies, will make them virtually untraceable. I closed and immediately reopened her insurance, so only the outdated information will be available. Her car has temporarily been retitled to a nonentity, and the official new title will take 2-6 weeks for processing, and her cell number is on the Federal Do Not List list. When he wishes to concede, he'll find I pre-recorded my acknowledgement the morning before I invited him to church.

My nephew is a clever young man, but not clever enough.

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